You're Pregnant!...Now what?

As more days begin to pile up between giving birth and the present, I find I am forgetting what it is like to be pregnant (not labor, whoever says you forget that is a filthy liar).

I don't want to forget what it is like to be pregnant because people like to ask me a lot of questions about pregnancy, labor and delivery, etc. This may or may not be because I have way too many (totally awesome) resources when it comes to all things baby.

I also spent way too much time on the internet researching all things baby while preggers. As my father put it, "You know way too much about this. You aren't supposed to know all this. If women knew all this, they would never get pregnant."

There is some truth to that statement, but I am a fierce lioness (I am woman, hear me roar), so all the terrible things I learned about childbirth didn't phase me (much). They actually aren't terrible, it just hurts a lot. Most people already know that anyway, I just knew a lot of the science behind it. For me, knowing exactly what my body was going to do and why gave me a sense of control.

In the end, I had the natural childbirth I wanted. Again, LIONESS. ROARING. Even if I didn't have the childbirth I wanted, I would still be roaring because I made a tiny human and brought her into the world.

Anyway, back to the point. Everyone knows childbirth is hard. We don't call it Sit Back and Sip a Beer, we call it Labor. It is work.

Pregnancy is a whole different kind of difficult. From the instant you announce your pregnancy, you become a magical unicorn.

You do not want to be a magical unicorn. Here is why.

1. You become public property. 

People will want to touch the belly. I didn't start to show at all until 24 weeks, and I did not look like a true pregnant person until a little after 30 weeks.

Didn't matter.

People wanted to touch my flat stomach, my slightly poochy stomach, and my super pregnant stomach.

Strangers, friends, family - everybody - will want to touch The Belly. You are pregnant (you magical unicorn, you) and for some reason, everybody wants to horn in on your pregnancy.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes it is nice to bask in the glow of pregnancy. If you've given the ok, then by all means, let that person rub the belly. I'm talking about the uninvited belly rubber.

You can fend these people off in a variety of ways. Here were my go to's:

"Thanks for rubbing my chipotle burrito bowl. I needed help with the digestion." (This one works best when you aren't really showing yet).

*Reaches out and rubs their belly in return* 

"I've tried that too, but no Genie ever appears. Rude."

*KARATE CHOP* Ok, so I never did this one, but I definitely jerked away if the belly rubber was a total stranger.

2. You are not allowed to complain about anything.

I mean, you can try, but you are not likely to get the sympathy or help you are looking for. Here are some of the gems I got when I dared to complain.

"Pregnancy is such a beautiful time! Don't waste it complaining about [heart burn, aching back, nerve pain, rib displacement, constant need to pee, whatever ails ya']." I suppose I will just suffer in silence. Next time you get a hot flash, I'll remind you that this a beautiful season of your life (you are about to have no more periods!) and you shouldn't waste it complaining about your menopause symptoms.

(That obviously only works when it is a middle aged woman. You can try it on a dude I suppose, but don't expect stellar results).

"You do know what caused this pregnancy, right?" Nope, haven't a clue. Pray, do tell?

3. You will receive a ton of unsolicited, out-dated advice.

And you will have to listen to it. At first, you can try to argue. You can take all your science and research and stand your ground.

It is never worth it. Then you will have to explain yourself a million times and no matter how good of a job you do, the person will always come back with this:

"Well that's how we did it back when I was raising kids, and they all survived."

Yeaaaaaaah. Because the only goal in childrearing is that they don't die. I mean, that is a pretty big one, but I think I would also like my child to thrive with as little mishap as possible.

Your best bet in this situation is to nod and smile. Nod. And. Smile. It will save you so much time and aggravation.

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4. Pronouns are about to get super annoying.

"WE'RE PREGNANT!"

"We're expecting!"

No, "we" are not.

We are not experiencing heartburn from hell. We are not waking up every 10 minutes to pee. We are not getting kicks in our ovaries. We are not abstaining from wine, soft cheese, deli meats, and a variety of other foods. We are not waddling. We are not going to feel the pain of labor and delivery.

I AM DAMMIT.

Hilarious images like the above here.

In my husband's defense, he never claimed to be living my pregnancy. Some special snowflakes from the collective human race, however, seem to think this pregnancy thing is a 50/50 experience.

Puh-lease. It is more like 90/10 with the preggo taking on the lion's share (because we are lionesses, remember?).

The whole 50/50 thing doesn't happen until childbirth. Then it is "our" baby. Until then, this pregnancy is mine. Do not diminish my amazing feat of growing a human. I am full of hormones and I will damn well eat you.

Speaking of hormones...

5. Your hormones are out to get you.

You will laugh, cry, and rage within a nanosecond. Hormones are a cruel mistress and turn any sane woman into a nutjob at the drop of a hat.

An example: I made the mistake of watching a clip of a dog watching the end of Homeward Bound when Champ crests the hill and everyone is united. The reunion turned me into a wibbly, sobbing mess. I was so happy that I could not stop crying.

Another example: My husband likes to leave little piles of clothes everywhere. The struggle is real. It irks me when not pregnant. It enraged me while carrying our child. Hell hath no fury like a woman who spots a little pile of clothes next to the hamper, let me tell you. (Spoiler alert: my husband survived the pregnancy.)

Housewives, working wives, all wives know.

Thankfully, upon giving birth, you will cease to be a magical unicorn. You will become a mommy and the only reason people will visit you is to ignore you and hog your baby. Good luck!

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Note: If you can't tell this is mostly satire, we can't be friends. Just saying.