Most individuals are saddled with a certain amount of regret; this is fairly normal and one of the key ways we learn the ins and outs of life (i.e. don't spit on people, they will punch you in the face).
As an ESFJ (or perhaps as a crazy person), I am saddled with every regret, every memory, and I hyper analyze everything I have ever done (yet I seem to lack this ability in regards to foresight). I also apparently never learn from these events as I continually make the same mistake and suffer the crushing self-loathing afterward.
But before I dig any further into my brain let me explain what an ESFJ is to those not in the know. This is an acronym based off one of the more popular and commonly used personality tests (
Myers-Briggs personality type). My particular acronym stands for Extroversion, Sensing, Feeling, Judging (extroverted feeling; introverted sensing).
1. To begin, ESFJ's base their opinions on their experiences. It does not matter that you read 100 journals, heard 5000 testimonies, and received a notarized document that says cantaloupe will not poison you. You ate a cantaloupe as a 10 year old and spent the next 2 days on the toilet; you will never eat a cantaloupe again dammit.
2. ESFJ's also genuinely care about other people and want to do things to make their lives easier. However, a big F YOU if you don't acknowledge that we did something nice. Actually, it's more like "I did something nice for them. I didn't have to. I don't want a letter or a trophy, I just want them to smile or nod or maybe even blink more rapidly than normal so I know they are aware I did this thing for them. Maybe if I keep trying to do nice things they'll acknowledge it one day".
ESFJ's want you to be happy. They also want you to acknowledge that they want you to be happy. In this way, they are easily wounded. They took the time to do something nice for you and you did not appreciate it. This is read as you do not like them or whatever they did for you. This makes them sad and frustrated.
Oh please, oh please, oh please say I'm a good boy!...say it...Fine, I'm going to go chew on your shoes.
2a. In regards to the caring thing, ESFJ's are often blinded by the faults of those who are close to them. They will defend their family, husband, child, etc to the teeth even if they are guilty as sin. It's not a matter of "family first" (even though ESFJ's do value family A LOT); it's that they believe the best in people and have a way to bring it out. ESFJ's will make you be the best version of you if you are around them long enough, so they either never see the "bad" parts or they are blind to them because you never behave that way around them.
3. ESFJ's are very loud in their opinions of what is right and wrong. I THINK THIS HEY LOOK I THINK IT LALALALA. However, ESFJ's will mold to a group opinion. Sometimes this is a lifelong group opinion, such as that of your parents. Other times it is short term (i.e. These people at this party do not agree with my opinion at all. I don't want to make them uncomfortable with my different-ness so I'll adopt a neutral stance to mesh better with them).
ESFJ's won't necessarily drop their belief, but they'll go with the crowd (or at least not directly conflict with it) not because they aren't strong in their convictions but because they like to make people happy. Note: Some actually don't have strong morals and will base their beliefs on social factors to manipulate people. This is the case if they grew up in a ethically-lacking environment (I am not
that kind of ESFJ. I've got morals thank-you-very-much).
4. Lastly, ESFJ's value tradition and order. If there is a rule, they will follow it. If it goes against the norm, they will have a hard time with it. It's not that they don't value innovation or finding a new way to do things--they just prefer the sense of order and calm that comes with an established routine. This worked before, therefore it will work again. Your version may work better, but it may backfire terribly and it would really just be much less messy if we stick with the way things are usually done.
I would like to take this moment to note this is just my interpretation of EFSJ. Not every person who gets labeled as an ESFJ will fit this mold (or be as crazy as me). It's a general framework. My interpretation will not necessarily be your interpretation.
So how does this play out in real life? Crushing self torment is how it plays out in my world. I make fast and quick judgments that are next to impossible to change (refer to #1). Arguments on your behalf will not change my opinion, actions on your part will not change my opinion. You wronged me once, you will do it again.
Then you have the flip side. I tried to be friends with you and you rejected me. Not necessarily in a "I don't want to be friends" way; you could have said I overwhelm you or you could have ignored 4 out of the last 5 calls I made to check up on you (because I make a point of inquiring when life gets hard for my friends). I read this as I did something to upset you, that there is clearly something wrong with me, and the hyper overanalyzing begins. I will replay every conversation that we've ever had in my mind (this has nothing to do with being an ESFJ--more with the fact that I can remember pretty much everything ever since I was 3) and try to determine what I did wrong. I may not have done anything wrong, you may not have intentionally ignored my calls or meant to hurt me, but the fact remains you wounded me and I'm over here trying to figure out why you hate me.
Worse is when I know for certain I've done something that hurt someone. As an ESFJ, I like to make people feel good about themselves. I know intimately what it feels like to not like yourself. Making someone unhappy results in long-term self hatred. Maybe hatred is too harsh of a word. What I mean is, if you are mad at me about something I said or did, odds are I am up at night replaying it over and over in my mind (forever) concocting ways I could have done something different (as if I could change it, as if all this torturous reflection will do anything other than further distress me). These things don't go away either, I will do this to myself over the same incident for years. I still remember the things I said and did as a child and agonize over them. I cannot change them, they are ridiculous, but they haunt me still (I am aware this is insane; I blame my scumbag brain).
As an outsider looking in, it may not be clear how ESFJ's make friends if we are this panicky and needy. We make friends because we genuinely care about how people feel (to a fault), we are very outgoing, and because all of this insanity is internal. At least in my case anyway. Externally, I fill the void with constant talking. I cannot have silence; it scares me. You being quiet is you thinking about things you don't like about me. This may seem crazy, but this stems from experience. Once I've experienced something, my brain cements it as fact (refer to #1). If you are standing there not talking, you are going to open your mouth either to me or someone else and say something unpleasant about me/my opinion/etc. Thus, I must talk or find a way to make you talk. I must fill the silence because the alternative sucks. This talking is also construed as confidence because I am not shy.
Outgoing is often confused with confidence. They are not the same thing. I have very little confidence anymore; all you jerkbags have sucked that right out of me (just kidding). What I have is zero foresight so I will dive right in to a conversation and then dissect it later. I will talk and smile and engage with you. I will say nice things about you or assuage your fears that you are a bad person/mom/employee/what have you; I am also funny sometimes, I think that probably helps.
ESFJ's also tend to draw people in somehow (I have a secret people magnet, don't tell anyone). This is why I make a lot of friends quickly. This lack of foresight is also why I can't seem to keep them. The constant talking probably plays into that as well. People like to talk to me about their problems and I will do my best to dispel their doubts. But then when it is my turn to emotion dump, I go overboard. I am too social, too forward, and it is off putting. I know this about myself, but in the moment I read it as you want to use me as a garbage bag for your bad feelings then throw me out when I try to do the same.
I will also judge the crap out of you. Loudly. Now, this does not hold true if I care about you. This is if I don't like you or know you (the best kind of judging, really). This is how my two bad run-ins with cops correlates to I hate all cops. It's not even that I hate them, it's I hate how I feel around them so when I see them and because of my experiences, I assume they will all treat me poorly (refer to #1). Not only will I assume this, I will talk about it if it comes up (but heaven forbid someone in the room is related to a cop; then I just clam up and adopt a neutral stance--if it's too late for neutrality then I will try to end the conversation, "Let's agree to disagree" "I don't want to argue with you about it", refer to #3).
I also have a freakish desire to follow rules. I'm not talking established laws (I follow those too), I'm talking about things like going in the correctly labeled doors. If the door says exit, do not enter through it, people. I'm looking at you blue-striped shirt guy.
That right there, makes me nuts. It makes me angry and frustrated and I will feel flustered until I am away from the rule-breaker or have corrected the behavior. Anyone who has driven with me and not put on their seat belt will know this about me. I will not stop talking about anything else until you buckle up: "So it would be nice if you would buckle up...Seriously, put on your seat belt...I am going to slam on my breaks to bash your head in through the windshield if you don't put on your mother trucking seat belt." Yes, it is that serious.
I'm not even talking about your life in this situation (which I do find to be important); I'm talking about the flutters of unrest I feel by your rule breaking. Something bad will happen because you are not following the rules. Maybe we will crash and you will go head first through the window, maybe I will run over a dog, maybe lightning will strike the car--it will be because the rules are not being followed.
^That may be an exaggeration, but seriously just follow the rules.
There are good parts to me. It's not all terrible and needy and judgmental (just kidding, it totally is; I'm really quite a horrible person).
I am a good person to have on your side when you are in the dirt. I will defend you. I will be your David. I will not only slay Goliath, I'll go glare at Goliath's friends and family, thump my chest, and scream "YOU WANT SOME??!?!?!" because I protect the ones I love. I don't care that you were caught red handed and I don't care that you may actually be a bad person. I love you and at the end of my day that is what is important--family and friends and defending them from their demons because mine have already eaten me alive.
But if you don't give me the wink and nod to acknowledge what I did for you then fuck you, Goliath's family can have at you.
I told you, I am a terrible person.
