Dear Mr. Oatmeal: A Post About Murderous Cats

The Oatmeal is a well known comic on the interwebz full of cats, farts, and other funny things. Not knowing who the Oatmeal is (The Oatmeal? The Oatmeal? Will the Real Oatmeal Please Stand Up?) is like saying you've never heard of Hyperbole and a Half.

If you haven't heard of Hyperbole and a Half we can't be friends until you fix yourself.

Anyway, there was this comic about cats that was spawned from another comic about cats (the process is similar to becoming a cat lady: one cat leads to another leads to another until there are so many cats you are convinced that humans have ceased to exist). In this comic, the Oatmeal detailed the murdrous nature of cats.

We all know cats tend to kill things; they're predators after all. However, here are some of the facts as laid out in the comic (screenshots from theoatmeal.com because images are more fun and I can't draw {as you will soon see}):

Source: http://theoatmeal.com/comics/cats_actually_kill

Here's a nice pie chart detailing your cat's kills assuming you own the one in three cat (or you have three cats; then you know one of them is a murderous son of a bitch). It makes reference to a study, but dammit Jim, I'm a comedic blogger of food and cats, not a researcher of science. (Ok, fine. It's a study by researchers at the University of Georgia and National Geographic using creep-o-vision cat cams. Ruin all my fun).

Source: http://theoatmeal.com/comics/cats_actually_kill

The Oatmeal seems to have a valid argument for the terrifying amount of creatures that cats murder. We have cat cameras to document their insidious nature from killing for the noms to killing for the lolz.

However, I would like to add to this clearly horrifying exposé of beloved cats everywhere.

The cruelty of cats is not limited to murderous rampages in the night. Cats are far more evil than that. Outright murder? That's child's play.

Introducing my cat Nona for the second time with her new moniker: Torturer Extraordinaire.

Do not let the cuddly appearance of the picture fool you. While she spends her days lounging in my lap while I work blog, she spends her nights maiming roaches.

Don't get me wrong, I hate roaches. This far south, realtors like to call them water bugs like that will somehow trick me into thinking it is not a roach.

Things to bear in mind, realtor person trying to sell me on a house:  

1. This water bug you speak of is actually the American cockroach and you are a fool for perpetuating this inaccuracy.
2. IT LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE A DAMN ROACH.
3. True water bugs (also known as Nepomorpha) live in frigging water, you giant moron. Also, they look nothing like the roaches we all know and despise. So suck on that information nugget, realtor.

Anyway,  I hate all roaches and roach-like bugs. In fact, I just hate bugs. I actually would not mind if my cat simply killed the roaches, but alas that is not the case.

She rips off their legs so she can smack their still-living, quivering torsos around the kitchen in her own personal game of foosball (first cat to smack the roach torso under the stove wins!).

At first, I was not sure what was happening. I kept finding roach legs all over my house. I was extremely grossed out by this and began researching whether roaches molted or shed legs naturally.

Despite limited evidence, the mystery became clear when one morning I woke up to this:

These days, Nona has grown tired of smacking the not-quite-dead roach torsos under the stove and instead leaves their twitching bodies surrounded by their own limbs.

So you see Mr. Oatmeal, my cat is so much more than a murderer. She is a raging psychopath hellbent on roach annihilation one leg at a time.

About Samantha Bookwalter

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Samantha Bookwalter is freelance writer and social media specialist. She specializes in web editing, copy editing, copy writing, social media management, HTML, CSS, and other web-related acronyms. Samantha has an affinity for health and fitness; in her free time she enjoys working out with her husband and researching recipes that are not only healthy but delicious too.