Dear Mr. Oatmeal: A Post About Murderous Cats

The Oatmeal is a well known comic on the interwebz full of cats, farts, and other funny things. Not knowing who the Oatmeal is (The Oatmeal? The Oatmeal? Will the Real Oatmeal Please Stand Up?) is like saying you've never heard of Hyperbole and a Half.

If you haven't heard of Hyperbole and a Half we can't be friends until you fix yourself.

Anyway, there was this comic about cats that was spawned from another comic about cats (the process is similar to becoming a cat lady: one cat leads to another leads to another until there are so many cats you are convinced that humans have ceased to exist). In this comic, the Oatmeal detailed the murdrous nature of cats.

We all know cats tend to kill things; they're predators after all. However, here are some of the facts as laid out in the comic (screenshots from theoatmeal.com because images are more fun and I can't draw {as you will soon see}):

Source: http://theoatmeal.com/comics/cats_actually_kill

Here's a nice pie chart detailing your cat's kills assuming you own the one in three cat (or you have three cats; then you know one of them is a murderous son of a bitch). It makes reference to a study, but dammit Jim, I'm a comedic blogger of food and cats, not a researcher of science. (Ok, fine. It's a study by researchers at the University of Georgia and National Geographic using creep-o-vision cat cams. Ruin all my fun).

Source: http://theoatmeal.com/comics/cats_actually_kill

The Oatmeal seems to have a valid argument for the terrifying amount of creatures that cats murder. We have cat cameras to document their insidious nature from killing for the noms to killing for the lolz.

However, I would like to add to this clearly horrifying exposé of beloved cats everywhere.

The cruelty of cats is not limited to murderous rampages in the night. Cats are far more evil than that. Outright murder? That's child's play.

Introducing my cat Nona for the second time with her new moniker: Torturer Extraordinaire.

Do not let the cuddly appearance of the picture fool you. While she spends her days lounging in my lap while I work blog, she spends her nights maiming roaches.

Don't get me wrong, I hate roaches. This far south, realtors like to call them water bugs like that will somehow trick me into thinking it is not a roach.

Things to bear in mind, realtor person trying to sell me on a house:  

1. This water bug you speak of is actually the American cockroach and you are a fool for perpetuating this inaccuracy.
2. IT LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE A DAMN ROACH.
3. True water bugs (also known as Nepomorpha) live in frigging water, you giant moron. Also, they look nothing like the roaches we all know and despise. So suck on that information nugget, realtor.

Anyway,  I hate all roaches and roach-like bugs. In fact, I just hate bugs. I actually would not mind if my cat simply killed the roaches, but alas that is not the case.

She rips off their legs so she can smack their still-living, quivering torsos around the kitchen in her own personal game of foosball (first cat to smack the roach torso under the stove wins!).

At first, I was not sure what was happening. I kept finding roach legs all over my house. I was extremely grossed out by this and began researching whether roaches molted or shed legs naturally.

Despite limited evidence, the mystery became clear when one morning I woke up to this:

These days, Nona has grown tired of smacking the not-quite-dead roach torsos under the stove and instead leaves their twitching bodies surrounded by their own limbs.

So you see Mr. Oatmeal, my cat is so much more than a murderer. She is a raging psychopath hellbent on roach annihilation one leg at a time.

About Samantha Bookwalter

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Samantha Bookwalter is freelance writer and social media specialist. She specializes in web editing, copy editing, copy writing, social media management, HTML, CSS, and other web-related acronyms. Samantha has an affinity for health and fitness; in her free time she enjoys working out with her husband and researching recipes that are not only healthy but delicious too.

My Health and Fitness Posts from Around the Web

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Healthy Chicken Salad Sandwich

Whenever I look at chicken salad sandwiches, I always think "That looks really good, I want some of that." Unfortunately, it's usually pretty hit or miss (too much mayo, too much onion, too much whatever), but something I've always noticed is it's holy hell unhealthy.

I'm looking at you mayonnaise.

I hate mayo. Hate it. As a kid, I disliked it so much I used mustard in my tuna instead (talk about a weird flavor). And almost every chicken salad recipe calls for it. As an incredibly popular picnic/potluck/derp-de-derp-I-don't-know-what-to-bring dish, I am surprised by how many people just leave it sitting out in the sun (usually next to the egg salad, also slowly turning into poison).

A refreshing bowl of poisonous phlegm. Oh wait, it's mayo.

The 411 on Mayonnaise

Other than personal opinion, why am I hating on mayo so much? Four reasons actually.

1. Calories. One single tablespoon of mayo has 90 calories in it. Most chicken salad recipes call for a whole cup; that's 16 tablespoons. Your chicken salad now has 1440 calories from mayo alone, never mind all the other stuff that will go into it. 
2. Fat. One tablespoon of mayo has 10g of fat in; your recommended daily allowance (RDA) is 65g. That one cup of mayo? 160g of fat. Womp, womp.
3. Cholesterol. One tablespoon contains 5mg of cholesterol (and not the good kind, people). That one cup of mayo has 80mg of cholesterol. Your RDA is 300mg, so 80mg may not seem like that big of a deal. However, cholesterol is a sneaky bastard and shows up in a lot of places, namely eggs, meats, and dairy products. Some cholesterol is good for you, all the cholesterol ever is not. If you're loading up on mayo, avoid common cholesterol sources (especially fast food) or experience the wrath of clogged arteries.
4. Sodium. Americans consume an obscene amount of sodium per day. The RDA is around 2300-2400mg depending on who you ask, but most Americans get around 3500 and even up to 5000 per day. This is largely due to unhealthy diets of fast food, frozen meals, and canned products that requires a lot of salt to act as a preservative. One tablespoon of mayo has 90mg; one cup has 1440mg, over 60% of your RDA. 

Also, mayo is just gross. Let's be real. It's a jar of white phlegm and mystery goop. 

Chicken Salad Sandwich Sans Mayonnaise

Now that I've gotten that little rant out of the way, onward to my healthy variant of the chicken salad sandwich. How is it healthy? NO MAYO. Plain Greek yogurt works just as well and is way better for you.

As for the recipe itself, I'm big on keeping recipes simple because ain't nobody got time for 50 billion ingredients. I also tend to make recipes with a small yield for people who live alone or with just one other person (as the internet is weirdly lacking in this area).

When a recipe yields 24 servings, my English major brain goes Uggggggggggh, math. It's also hard to pare down certain ingredients from 24 to 2, such as 1 clove of garlic. How in the hell do you divide one clove of garlic 12 times without making an ungodly messy, pulpy disaster? And the what do you do with the rest? I'm aware I could make the original amount the recipe called for and simply freeze my 20 million pounds of left overs, but at a certain point you don't want to eat the giant lasagna anymore.

But I digress.

Ingredients

This recipe will yield enough for two sandwiches. You will need:

• 4 oz of chicken (about two chicken tenders)
• 6 TBS plain Greek yogurt
• 1 celery stalk
• 2 TBS dried cranberries
• 1/2 TBS honey

Instructions

1. Grill your chicken. I have a Foreman grill so I use that. It takes about 8.5 minutes when the chicken tenders are frozen. Once they are completely cooked and have cooled off, shred them into small pieces.
2. Chop up your celery.
3. Measure out the remaining ingredients and mix everything together in a bowl.

That's it. Now you just need to get your hamburger bun, sandwich thin, English muffin, croissant, what have you (I use a dinner roll) and plop half the mix into it.

Nutrition

If you are looking for a filling snack, go ahead and make one sandwich and save the left over mix for later. If you're looking for a solid meal or you are super hungry, go ahead and eat both. I won't judge, I promise.

	Calories	Fat	Sodium	Carbs	Fiber	Sugar	Protein
Chicken Salad mix	161	0.02g	91.4mg	24.4g	2g	13.4g	16.1g
Potato Dinner Roll	90	1g	115mg	16g	0g	3g	5g
Total per 1	251	1.02g	206.4mg	40.4g	2g	16.4g	21.1g
Total per 2	502	2.04g	412.8mg	80.8g	4g	32.8g	42.2g

And there you have it: a much healthier option than using mayonnaise. You can try swapping out the dried cranberries for grape halves or pieces of apple if you are looking to reduce the sugar content as dried fruit is usually much higher in sugar than fresh fruit by volume.

About Samantha Bookwalter

Google+

Samantha Bookwalter is freelance writer and social media specialist. She specializes in web editing, copy editing, copy writing, social media management, HTML, CSS, and other web-related acronyms. Samantha has an affinity for health and fitness; in her free time she enjoys working out with her husband and researching recipes that are not only healthy but delicious too.